Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?