There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah