i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden