if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
is this meant to deter me
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell