THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes