Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.