I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Bit chilly again tonight.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.