*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
my name if I was in the mob
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing