Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.