[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it