Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
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All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area