@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
You Might Also Like
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.