When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.