Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
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If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment