Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Breaking news:
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.