Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Whoa… oh I see lol
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out