Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Don’t make me out nice you.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?