National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-