Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
You Might Also Like
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
OMG 🤣🤣
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.