Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.