Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”