Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
![]()
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
![]()
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*weighs self after shaving
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
![]()
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain