Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’M CRYINGGG
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.