Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
WHY would you be happy about this?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Banking tips
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.