*weighs self after shaving
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Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Optional boss fight.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.