Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark