him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction