My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it鈥檚 done with all this.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
It鈥檚 my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I鈥檓 a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
For Halloween I鈥檓 just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
there are few problems in life that can鈥檛 be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 馃幁
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn鈥檛 the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she鈥檚 wearing pajamas.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I鈥檓 just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser