The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged