How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
But that’s none of my business
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.