HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.