HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
me, after any kind of buffet.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now