HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels