*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny