children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I don’t hate children, just yours.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Aaaa…CHOO!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”