Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂