Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
How to wake up a Beagle
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
#growingpains
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: