My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms