[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*seductively eats two tums*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.