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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
When your parents check you’re ok.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
this makes me so uncomfortable
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”