[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
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My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
any last words?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.