Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*