I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Every work meeting this week
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”