Every work meeting this week
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.