@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook