I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
ugh not again
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…