Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?