Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
The little toadstool has spoken.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available