I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.