[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
and this one
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.