My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Unexpected Judgment
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space