Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.