Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

So creative 😂

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

The prophecy is fulfilled

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.