forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
What the dentist sees
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
yeah 😭
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*