Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?