Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Gemma Correll
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help